


Washed Out Brain

by HailForTheQueen



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Blackouts, Canon-Typical Violence, Claustrophobia, Does anybody read these tags?, Domestic, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Smut, Fever Dreams, Fights, Fluff, Headcanon, Holding Hands, IZAYA IS A LITTLE SHIT, Izuo - Freeform, Light-Hearted, M/M, Minor Injuries, Panic Attacks, Paranoia, Power Outage, Shizaya - Freeform, Shizuo is an angel, Sickness, Slow Build, Social Anxiety, Trust Issues, Walks In The Park, break in, literally all of the time, not to mention, tag when I get to it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-13
Updated: 2017-01-07
Packaged: 2018-08-08 14:36:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7761760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HailForTheQueen/pseuds/HailForTheQueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shizuo, once the strongest in Ikebukuro, maybe even Japan, is now a docile beast awaiting orders on when to use his strength from his boss, Tom. Why? Because Shinra and his father have operated on him so he can only use that strength when told to. With an unyielding Izaya and new issues he must face while paired with his greatest and most provoking enemy, how many new ways can he find to waste time before he must confront his washed out mind?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It Starts With A Cage

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing
> 
> Hellooo!! I know I've been on a break forever but, I'm back now and writing for different fandoms!! I hope you guys love Drrr!! as much as I do and enjoy my story because I plan to write it for quite some time! Since this is my first fic for this fandom, characters may seem OOC but, hopefully they'll become more IC as the story progresses! 
> 
> Enjoy~

  _ **Friday 7th February**_

_**14:13** _

 

"How... How dare you!" Shizuo screamed, his face contorting from rage as he spat out his half-smoked cigarette and sprinted towards his already fleeing target: Orihara Izaya, the very bane of his existence. His scuffed shoes pounded on the concrete as he willed himself to run just that much faster to catch up with Izaya and somehow defend his brother's honour because Kasuka was nothing like the flea had just described -- opinions and freedom of speech a foreign concept when it comes to family. His eyes and anger remained focused on the raven as he ran through the pavement pedestrians had the sense to clear, because a bartender chasing a informant was bad news and the city of Ikebukuro itself had enough experience to know what happened when people stopped to stare.

They ran like that for a while, their rapid breathing and targets the only thing being acknowledged - well, at least for Shizuo. Izaya on the other hand was having plenty of fun taunting the blonde: maybe a little too much fun.

Yes, that's right, he had an appointment soon enough and what good would it be to show up in sweat-stained clothes and out of breath all because he provoked a beast into chasing him relentlessly. It wouldn't do, he was too much of a perfectionist, a professional. Of course he knew bad-mouthing Kasuka would rile up his enemy in mere seconds, (just mentioning the name earned him a death-glare), however, he of all people should have considered the fact that maybe getting Shizuo that angry was a bad idea when you need to be on schedule.

Instead of scolding himself, he chose to smirk and run faster, only looking back to push Shizuo to his limits. Why regret what you can turn in your favour? Every time he tore up part of his beloved city only proved to Shizuo that he really was a monster, why not make him deprecate himself just a little more?

"Well Shizu-chan, it seems that I've run out of time to play with you, I've got places to be after all, I do have a _real_ job."

He didn't get much of a reply, just a growl and a determined look, the type a lion may get when about to jump a zebra. Too bad that zebra had been avoiding lions for years and could escape hungrier ones.

He chuckled to himself, thinking of Shizuo as a lion and him as a zebra, how amusing because, Izaya Orihara was anything but prey and Shizuo Heiwajima was certainly no king of any kingdom.

"How about you come to my place, I'm sure you'd love that _Shizu-chan~"_

Still no reply, only the faint chant of "Killkillkillkill..."

Maybe he was becoming tired, not enough brain power of breath to retort with: after all this was most likely one of the longest chases they've had in quite a while and even Izaya had to admit, he was starting to feel the fatigue and he really did need to get to his apartment.

Which is exactly what he chose to do. The chase started to lead to Shinjuku and, seeing as Shizuo was still pursuing him, he decided leading him into his territory would put him on higher grounds when he fought the beast.

"Where the fuck do you think you're going, Flea?" Shizuo yelled, struggling to catch his breath as he stepped inside of the luxurious apartment complex.

"Why, to my apartment of course. What are you going to do, huff and puff and blow my house down?"

If it wasn't the belittling words, it was definitely that disgusting laugh that grated against his ears which set him off again. He stormed to the little pest who was smirking as his slender body moved further, the tail of his coat shifting around him until he was standing in front of an open elevator.

Shizuo's rage-induced snarl fell abruptly as he looked doubtfully at the small space he'd have to enter if he wanted to know precisely where Izaya was going so that he could fight the flea but before he even had a chance to decide whether it was a smart idea or not, Izaya decided to pipe up.

"Well, I'm off, bye Shizu-chan," he said as he stepped in. "Don't forget to tell Kasuka-kun I said 'hi' and that me and my friends will be joining him _very_ soon."

"IIIIZZZAAAYYYAAAA!"

And before he even knew what he was doing, he had jumped right into the elevator with the smirking flea, just as the door closed behind him.

"Haha, we can continue this on the top floor, number 12,"

But he didn't get any reply at all, not even that low throaty growl that was just music to his ears. Instead, he got a pale-faced Shizuo gripping onto the bar that ran horizontally on the back wall of the lift, his wide eyes staring at the door.

He couldn't help but burst out laughing. In fact, he laughed so hard that he had to clutch his sides from the pain all while Shizuo continued to stare at the encasing metal.

"Your face! This is priceless haha! Are you claustrophobic or something?" Even by talking about the concept of such a beast being frightened of small spaces pushed him into another laughing fit, he only managed to stop when he realised that they weren't moving at all.

Still smirking, he looked around to see if he could somehow spot the problem but was stopped when he heard the lift groan and creak.

"Huh..?"

Looking to the blonde, he could see that he was beginning to shake, looking around wildly for some kind of solution or escape.

  
_Maybe I could have some fun with this..._ He thought, already thinking of a way to make the lift move and frighten the beast more however, he decided against it remembering his meeting.

Izaya just sighed and pressed the emergency button. After a minute, the crackling of speakers coming to life filled the space then a loud voice.

"Sorry about this, we've been having problems with the lift for a few days now aha,"

Great, what the raven could only assume was a newbie by the nervous laughter was sitting around, fiddling with buttons and wires. He raised an eyebrow as the young voice continued.

"I'm fixing it as I speak, you'll be out of there in no time!"

The raven rolled his eyes and turned to look at Shizuo, seeing how he had sunk to the floor, eyes scrunched closed and body protected by his arms wrapping around himself.

Deciding to say something, he opened his mouth to speak. "We'll be out soon, stop being such a baby, Shizu-" but was cut off.

"NO! NOT THAT ONE!" an older male voice yelled through the speakers.

As the lights went out and the lift started creaking, shifting in it's suspended position, even Izaya had to admit he felt his stomach drop. Though it was nothing compared to what Shizuo was going through.

Just hearing the voice yell that alarming message to who he assumed was a new employee was enough to set him off but the sudden lack of light only made things worse.

It was almost as if the air that had been surrounding him was suddenly taken away and replaced with nothing but emptiness.

_There's no air in here._

_I'm going to suffocate-_

_I'm going to slowly die and on the verge of death, plummet into an abyss of pain as the lift drops-_

_How is it even able to hold my weight-_

_Those thin cables snapping at any moment.._

_Air?_

_Where the fuck is the air-?_

_I can't breathe-!_

His eyes snapped open at the thought being repeated over and over in his mind, he couldn't breathe. With those words in his mind, he began taking in as much oxygen as he could, his breath hitching as he failed to successfully take in lungfuls of air.

He was going to die, suffocate and be crushed in a tiny metal box with his mortal enemy.

He was never going to see his parents or friends or even Kasuka ever again.

There would be nothing but darkness.

With these new thoughts, he could help but let the tears flow down his cheeks, a weak sob slipping past his lips as he trembled.

Izaya regard this with plenty of humour but, it seemed that his laughter wasn't getting though to the blonde, he was blocking everything out. That was fine with Izaya, he just wanted to escape and take a shower. He sighed and slid down the opposite side to Shizuo, crossing his legs and looking straight ahead as his eyes adjusted to the darkness. It was only when he heard Shizuo starting to scream did he realise how serious this could become.

Shizuo pulled at his hair, failing miserably to ground himself back to reality, the only thing flashing through his mind were images of his friends and family crying at his funeral, reading obituaries and talking about the good times they had with him. Not only that, but the slow pain of suffocating that not even a monster like him could avoid.

  
_**Bang, bang, bang**._ The sound of him slamming his head back against the metal of the metal resounded throughout the small space.

The raven cursed under his breath as he felt the lift creak and shift under the force of the repeated blows that would certainly leave great dents.

"Calm down Shizu-chan, you're going to get us killed if you keep moving like that." Izaya snapped, glaring at the blonde through the darkness between them.

Though, the only reply he was granted with was another bang of a skull against metal and a agonising scream which broke into a hoarse sob.

"Shit, Shizu-chan, you need to calm the hell down, you're starting to give me a headache."

"Fuck... _sob_...you!"

Such a beast, to use such words even while having some kind of breakdown. Typical.

As the hyperventilation and sobs continued with no sign of leaving, the raven stood up and walked over to his enemy, kneeling next to him and staring at the blonde hair he could see clearly through the blackness.

_Revenge..._

"If you keep hitting your head like that, the single cable holding this lift is gonna snap. If that doesn't kill us, the lack of oxygen will: either way, we're going to die in here, Shizu-chan..."

_"...we're going to die in here, Shizu-chan..."_

Honey eyes snapped open as his breathing paused. It was final, he was going to die. Maybe it was the fact that another voice had said it aloud hat made it seem like an inevitable punishment.

Placing a hand on the brute's shoulder, he felt as it tensed and shook harder. His smirk grew even wider as he was rewarded with a scream from his comment.

His hyperventilation proceeded to a point where he was on the verge of passing out, the blackness starting to merge into different shapes as his vision blurred with anxiety.

Even as the lights miraculously turned back on and they started moving, the corners and edges were unclear, everything in the room amorphous and difficult to make out. He snapped his eyes shut as he curled more into himself, sobbing as scenes of grief and sorrow overtook his mind.

He didn't even realise when a presence left the lift and a new one entered maybe a few minutes or hours afterwards. He didn't acknowledge as a silence overtook the small space and a gloved hand rubbed circles into his back. He took no notice of the accusing or amused voices floating in the background, the only thing that he remotely took notice of was the small prick he felt in his neck before he was pulled into unconsciousness.


	2. Over Our Heads

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I personally think that there aren't enough fanfics where Shizuo has to be taken care of compared to the amount where Shizuo takes care of Izaya so, here you go.

  _ **Friday 7th February**_

_**14:30** _

 

 "What the hell is wrong with you?" Shinra snapped, narrowing his eyes in an uncharacteristically angered way and glaring daggers into Izaya's very soul.

"What have I done now?"

"Don't play dumb with me Orihara Izaya! You know what you've done," He said, huffing as for once in his life he failed trying to calm himself down.

Although he wasn't used to an angered Shinra, he took the situation in stride and made the most of it by finding the funny side, fuelling his amusement and Shinra's fury as he continued to play mock-innocent.

"Why couldn't you just have not been an absolute prick the first day you met him, maybe then this could have been avoided, maybe then you'd even be friends!" He ranted, serving to make his friend chuckle at the his outrageous wishes.

"I'll have you know that I take pride in the way I treat my 'friend's,"

"I bet you take even more pride in knowing just how completely frightened he is," Shinra said, spitting the words from his mouth in disgust knowing that one of his closest friends was a few rooms away, shaking and most likely sobbing from fright.

"You know me too well,"

"Not. Funny."

Izaya, leaned against the wall, turning his head slightly to the side as he gazed at his friend, his smirk growing wider as the thought of the trembling, screaming blonde entered his head once more causing him to burst into a fit of childish giggles. "On the contrary, it's hilarious, I couldn't think of anything more amusing,"

"How about me punching you in the face?" He threatened, only causing the raven to laugh again, this tie so hard that he had to clutch his sides from the sudden shooting pain.

"Hahahaha! Oh, only a friend as good as you could come up with something funnier than their own joke,"

Shinra could feel overwhelming waves of pain roll through his head the symptoms of an oncoming headache. "I'm being serious!"

"Which just makes it all the more fun!"

"Izaya, stop!"

At the raw anger and irritation in his voice, Izaya squinted his eyes and pouts, knowing if he continues he'll be thrown out and ignored and, consequently miss out on everything else that happens. So he shut up and looked at his bespectacled friend expectantly.

"It's not funny..." he repeats, clutching his forehead and closing his eyes, trying to fight off exhaustion. "He's seriously terrified and the operation seems to have only made it worse, if I'd had known he'd become so... vulnerable, I would've never went through with it." He said, sighing as he leaned against the wall under the eyes of a curious Izaya.

"Operation?" He asked. standing up straight.

"Yeah," Shinra said, his voice conveying fatigue. "He has total control yet at the same time, no control over his strength."

"Go on," Izaya urged.

He was hesitant to reply to the raven as he opened his eyes. The thought of Izaya sending a gang of thugs after Shizuo because he knew he wouldn't be able to fight them off made him frown, already feeling concerned for what could happen. "Actually, I don't know if I should tell you this, Izaya. You're an informant and with this information, you could get Shizuo killed easily."

"I know I may not be the most trustworthy person," he started, trying not to sound as sincere as he really meant, the last thing he needed was Shinra thinking he was a good person deep down or that kind of crap. "But you are one of my few friends, I wouldn't betray you're trust and I know if I did, Celty is your ally and would use her relations to attack me and make me regret it. So you can tell me. Plus you sound tired and stressed, it wouldn't hurt to confide in me every now and then."

He thought about Izaya's earnest words for a moment, weighing the pros and cons before finally giving in and deciding to confess. After all, the whole Shizuo situation was getting out of control, if he had know it would be this much trouble, he would've never suggested it. "He no longer has the ability to use his strength unless his boss or the person 'in charge of him' tells him to use it. They can basically activate and deactivate it." He confessed, shifting so that he was leaning most of his back onto the wall allowing him to easily rest his head onto the cool surface.

"Why would he want that, he has no control,"

"True but, he still controls what he does. Plus, since he works for Tom-san -- who he trusts -- there's not a problem. Tom-san tell him when to activate it as they go to the places to collect the debts and deactivate it afterwards."

_So that's why he wasn't throwing anything at me..._

"Izaya, whatever you do, please don't tell anyone about this, you need to swear to me that you won't."

In all seriousness, Izaya wouldn't betray one of his few friends, even if the outcome of doing it caused the blonde pain. Friends like Shinra were too rare and problems like Shizuo were too exhausting. So he earnestly replied: "No need to worry, Shinra. I swear."

Before either of them could say anything else, Celty burst into the hallway in which they were standing, the shadows from her neck spilling into torrents of darkness and distress.

"Huh? Celty, what is-"

He was cut off as she thrust her PDA into his face for him to read.

_'He was sitting with me and talking to me but then he suddenly started crying because he felt scared and so I tried to calm him down but then he started to hyperventilate and he couldn't calm down!'_

"I understand, go an get some of the sedative I used earlier and wait outside of the room in case he won't calm down again." He said, already moving past the two people and heading straight for the guest room Shizuo had been resting in.

He gently pulled down the handle and crept in, closing it quietly as he walked in. "Shizuo?" He called out, careful not to scare the already distressed blonde as he moved to the bed in which a hunched figure sat, shaking and sobbing, breathing coming out in quick, irregular gasps.

"Shizuo, I'm going to need you to calm down," he said, kneeling on the bed next to his friend and rubbing circles into his back, frowning when shaking shoulders flinched harshly. "Shizuo, it's going to be okay, I promise." he said quietly, soothing the blonde. "I know you're scared right now but you're going to calm down and breathe and then we can talk and do whatever you like, okay?"

Shizuo didn't know what had happened. He was sitting on the bed with Celt , talking quietly when she brought up how he was dealing without his strength. At first he had tried explaining how he was having to adapt but when she kept asking question upon question, he couldn't keep up and had started to panic. He knew that Shinra was trying to help him and so he attempted to push away dark thoughts of the future of which he was unprepared.

It seems his voice was getting through to the blonde, as he started to lean into the brunette and sob against his chest.

"Shh, it's okay..." he whispered, continuing to run patterns into his back, sighing in relief when his breathing started to return to a more normal pace and the sobbing started to subside. "You're going to be okay," Shinra promised when the blonde finally stopped crying, his laboured breathing stable for the most part as he took deep breaths and tried to move backwards and wrap his trembling arms around himself which the brunette allowed him to do.

He reached forward to try and show some more support only to have Shizuo slap his hand away and lean against the wall. "Please don't touch me..." he whispered, eyes still clenched tight as he tried to completely calm down.

Shinra nodded in understanding, of course the blonde didn't want to be touched, he'd been trapped with a malicious person in a metal cage, he had thought he was going to die, he was scared and being surrounded by people wasn't helping, maybe he just needed to be left alone for a while to ground and calm himself. And maybe the reason he only thought of pros to leaving his friend alone was because he wasn't used to seeing the blonde so emotionally distressed which, in turn, upset him.

"Okay, Shizuo, we're going to leave you in here for a bit, okay? Me and Celty will be outside, come when you're ready," he said as he lifted himself off of the bed and stepped back, giving Shizuo a last once-over before he left. The blonde had closed his eyes and was clutching onto a discarded pillow. He sighed as he stepped out of the room, closing the door softly behind him.

  
_'How is he??'_ Celty asked as soon as she spotted him walking into their living room.

"He's calming down by himself right now, he just needs some time alone after what happened." He said, moving to sit down next to where Celty had been, facing Izaya who was leisurely sipping on a steaming mug of coffee, that shit-eating smirk of his holding back his laughter.

"So, Shinra, will you tell me what's going on with Shizu-chan?"

"Now why would I do that? Why do you want to know? It's not like he's a 'monster' anymore," He replied, frowning before adding an afterthought. "If you say anything to so with being an Informant, I'm going to kick you out."

Now that earned a wry chuckle from the raven. "I want to know because Shizu-chan will always be a monster and when monsters go out of control, somebody needs to contain them."

Before Shinra replied, he smiled up at Celty, who had also brought him a warm cup of coffee before placing a pale hand onto his back in a reassuring manner.

  
_'I want to know what's going on with him too, Shinra. I'm worried."_ she typed, showing him her PDA as she took a seat beside him.

"You're right, you're owed an explanation. You too, Izaya. You may not see eye-to-eye with Shizuo but, I guess that you're one of my friends and I kind of do want to talk about it."

Izaya remained silent, not wanting to ruin his chance by saying some snarky comment to get on Shinra's nerves and get him kicked out. Instead, he merely put his coffee down and looked directly at his friend to show that he was listening.

"Well, you may not believe this but, Shizuo has always been a very anxious person for a few reasons... His family always struggled with financial issues when he was been raised, and that's excluding the debts he raked up. That just made it worse," he started, sipping his coffee and relishing in the warmth it gave it as he thought out what he'd say next. "His parents loved him very much but, with all the stress they'd snap at him a lot, so whenever he did something he knew was wrong, he'd always feel anxious going home and would try to stay over here or hang out after school."

Celty started typing on her PDA making Shinra pause and watch at the way her hands shook softly knowing that she was reluctant to hear the answer of what she was going to ask. _'Did they ever... hit him? I know that he's stronger than his parents but, he would feel way to guilty to ever hurt them, no matter what.'_

Izaya looked genuinely curious at the possible answer, wondering if Shizuo would stoop so low as to hit his own parents just because of a couple slaps. Though, it's not as if he was ever put in that position. Despite his twisted appearance, him and his sisters were quite spoiled, their parents taking every chance to show them just how much they were loved.

"No, I don't think they ever hit him, they wouldn't do that. But they'd shout at him. He said that they would argue with each other on what to do with him when they thought he was sleeping."

"Haha! Of course they would, I bet they wanted to throw him into care!" Izaya burst out, laughing to himself, stopping short when he felt the heat of Shinra and Celty's glare, her shadows starting to dangerously swirl. "My bad..."

"School also stressed him out, you wasted a lot of his time by provoking him into chasing you, his grades dropped to an all time low so he had to spend hours a week studying with me. It was the teachers calling him back at the end of the day almost everyday to shout at him and tell him how bad his grades were that really got to him. At first he would get furious and break something before leaving but, when he came here afterwards I could see how upset he was, his anxiety just got worse from there. Now that he can't use his strength without Tanaka-san telling him to, he's paranoid that he's going to get attacked and won't be able to escape."

"But where does the claustrophobia thing come from?" Izaya asked.

"That, I do know. He'd just been operated on a few days ago and then suddenly he's trapped in a small space with his enemy; not to mention that the lift broke down and he thought he was going to die which is why he had an attack. That's enough for him to develop a phobia." Shinra said, leaning back and closing his eyes. He couldn't help but admit that he was worried for his friend. He was helpless and vulnerable without his strength however, he had realised that since the operation, Shizuo had seemed a lot calmer and happier, never losing his temper when seeing Izaya until today. That was definitely an improvement, if he could learn to control that temper around Izaya, he'd never have the types of problems he had pre-op. He smiled at that, thinking of the new life he was helping his friend build. Shizuo deserved happiness in his life, and through all of his attempts to experiment on his friend, all he truly wanted was for him to be content. Hearing Izaya's voice had brought a doubtful thought into his mind.

"Izaya," he said, catching the raven's attention. "If you use _any_ of this against Shizuo in _any_ way or get him hurt because of this information, I will never forgive you." He said staring directly into those cunning maroon orbs. Saying 'never' was quite an overstatement. He knew that if Shizuo received physical injuries, only days after they'd healed Shinra would be back to happily chattering away to Izaya the next time they met which was often.

  
_'Me neither.'_ Celty added, but the way her shadows coiled threateningly showed just how serious she was, she wouldn't allow Izaya to hurt her best friend and get away with it.

He smirked at them and nodded his head. "Understood."

"I need to hear you say it."

He mockingly put his hand on his heart and said "I swear, I will never use this against or as a way to harm Shizu-chan."

"Good," Shinra said, wincing as he thought about what he was going to ask of Izaya next. "Uh, I have a favour to ask of you, Izaya."

At this, the raven's interest piqued as he looked at Shinra expectantly.

Celty seemed to have sensed what her boyfriend was going to ask as she turned to face the brunette and shook her hands in a way that mean 'No way, anyone but him!'

"Will you let Shizuo stay with you for a while?"

Still smirking, Izaya blinked, thinking he'd misheard his bespectacled friend. "Stay with me?" he repeated raising a brow as a mop of brown hair nodded. He chuckled softly at the thought of a crying monster sat chained to a bed, unable to do anything but beg as he was at the mercy of Izaya's hand. But it seemed like it was too much trouble than it was worth. Yes, he loved to anger and provoke Shizuo, his violent outbursts and displays of brutality proved to be quite the entertainment and best way to reinforce into the brute's mind just what a destructive beast he was. The danger and exhilaration that coursed through his veins and left him exuberant for hours after a chase was what he thrived off of however, the proposal of having him babysit a mindless nuisance was something else entirely so instead he simply said no. "Why do you want him to stay with me anyway?" He asked curiously.

"Me and Celty are going to Ireland in a couple of days. I didn't expect Shizuo to have such bad anxiety." Shinra confessed, balling his hand as they rested on his knees.

"Anxiety? It was one fucking panic attack."

"I diagnosed him a while ago."

"Well get someone else to do it, I certainly have better things to do than supervise a crying Shizu-chan."

Shinra sighed in exasperation, Celty visibly slouching in the relief that came with knowing her best friend wouldn't have to stay with the devious informant. After years of fighting, Shizuo should be able to defend himself if it came down to it but, she still couldn't fully trust in his ability when he was going through emotional interval.

"Izaya please, I wouldn't ask if I wasn't desperate, I  know that something bad's going to happen if I leave him alone."

"Then cancel the trip."

Celty seemed to sigh in dismay at the statement, her shadows swirling slowly and falling to the floor.

"I can't! We've been planning this for months. Please, Izaya. I'll owe you one."

Izaya decided to give in at that, Shinra owing him a favour was something that could come in handy if he needed someone to rely on under potentially perilous circumstances. "Okay, I agree. Shizu-chan can stay with me."

"Really?" Shinra said, his eyes widening slightly and gleaming with hope as he sat up straight. He hadn't actually expected Izaya to cave in so easily or for such a little price. Maybe he really treasured what Shinra could do for him when he was in need. The idea of it just made Shinra's smile all the more jovial.

"Yeah, after all, what are friends for?" He wasn't doing this for Shizuo, he was doing it for Shinra because, although he wasn't an affectionate person, Shinra was good to him and was always there for him, the least he owed him was agreeing to something he wanted.

"Thank you, Izaya. I really appreciate it. I'll tell Shizuo when he comes back out, he's probably sleeping right now, he was quite exhausted when I went in there."

"Okay, but remember, just because I agreed to take him in, doesn't mean he'll agree," the raven said, standing up to get his coat. "I'm going to head home now."

"Of course, when Shizuo agrees, I'll bring him over tomorrow?"

"Sure." he replied, walking to the hallway that led to the door with a trailing Shinra following behind.

"Thank you, he'll be there at around midday."

"Okay." He said, walking out of the door and into the open. The subtle cold of the afternoon was starting to blend into the night, rising to more wintry levels. Evenings began to slip quicker into the darkness of night, satisfying to the informant who flourished under the concealment and anonymity it provided. As he walked through the desolate streets of Ikebukuro leading towards his apartment, he stepped on a fallen frangible leaf that crunched into fragments underfoot, leaving pale marks of red and gold. He couldn't prevent a smirk from twisting his lips: it was the start of a new season and a new change in his and a monster's relationship and by the time it had come to an end, someone or something should surely be shattered beyond repair.


	3. New Ways

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shizuo isn't as dumb as he may initially seem; he knows Shinra's displeased and maybe even angry or frustrated, he can tell by the intense look Shinra gives him and the way his voice is peppered with the flame of indignation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What the heck is wrong with me?? Why do I keep updating??

Saturday 8th February 

10:23

 

Shinra knocks on the apartments door, the sounds reverberating as sharp and eager as the smile on his face. Or maybe it's a smirk, maybe he's hoping Izaya kills him while he's in Ireland, that's the only logical reason as to why he'd dumped Shizuo here.

 

* * *

 

10:03

 

 

"You want me to what?" Shizuo had asked, slightly narrowing his eyes as he stared at the two sitting on the couch in front of him.

Shinra sighed, tipping his head back and taking a moment to collect his thoughts and plan out exactly what it was he wanted to say. Before he could've even sat back up, he heard Shizuo quickly decline. He realised that Celty must have typed what he was going to say and showed it to Shizuo in the hopes that he'd listen to his closest friend.

"Please, Shizuo," Shinra had said, his voice a lot quieter than his usually cheery one, exhaustion reaching its' peak. "It's no big deal, we just want you to stay with him for a while."

"'No big deal'?" Shizuo repeated. "Me staying with the louse who tries to kill me and has fun in provoking me while I'm having a panic attack is no big deal?" Anger had started to bubble in him and rise to the surface, showing up in the way he started to growl and clench his fists. How dare they even suggest such an idea, by the time he left, one of them, if not both, would be seriously injured, or better yet dead . Just the thought of waking up to the sound of that pest talking or typing or even breathing was enough to rile him up.

"Shizuo, just-"

"No." He'd gotten up and walked over to the kitchen to make himself some tea, disregarding the way Shinra pleadingly looked at Celty in the hopes that she would manage to somehow change his mind. It was already 10 o'clock, they needed to get him compliant in time to get to Izaya's apartment.

Shizuo got a mug and slammed it onto the counter, though not hard enough to even crack it.

'Shizuo, please consider this.' Celty had typed, her elegant fingers hovering above the key pad as she looked up at Shizuo's frowning face.

"Why do you want me to go so much, am I that bad to have around..?" He'd mumbled, looking down at his empty mug in dismay.

Noticing his self-doubt, Celty was quick to reassure him, frantically waving her hands in a way that showed that he had gotten the wrong message.  'It's just that... Well, we would be happy for you to stay here but, Shinra and I have been planning a trip to Ireland for the past couple of months, so...'

The blonde furrowed his eyebrows in thought.  Ireland? Oh, right, Celty's from Ireland.

'I just wanted to discover things about myself but, I guess if you really don't want to go with Izaya, we can always cancel the trip...' Just typing the message made her shoulders dr o op with disappointment.

Shizuo started to shift his weight from one foot to the other in discomfort and guilt, Celty would have to miss out on an amazing trip with her boyfriend all because he was too stubborn to stay with his enemy. He bit his lip, as he thought of alternate ideas that would allow her to still go.

"Why can't I just stay at my own house?" He asked, looking down at his mug.

'No matter what you say, you're not entirely okay right now, you need someone there in case you panic at home and can't calm down.' 

"How would that pest help? You do know what he did last time, right?"

When Celty types, she was a lot more hesitant, continuously deleting what she'd typed just as Shinra stepped in.

"He promised me he'd look after you Shizuo, if that's not enough for you, then just don't go. Celty'll just cancel the trip, so we can look after you," Shinra's says , helping Celty explain .

Shizuo isn't as dumb as he may initially seem; he knows Shinra's displeased and maybe even angry or frustrated, he can tell by the intense look Shinra gives him and the way his voice is peppered with the flame of indignation. He can tell that holiday means everything to him if it means excluded time with his beloved.

That must be the only reason he opened his mouth and said yes.

 

* * *

 

10:23 

 

 

And that brings us to now. They never heard the soft pad of feet approach before the door was pulled open, a smirking Izaya fully presented to them in his usually attire of a black long-sleeve top and black jeans that hugged his slender legs.

"Well, we'll be off!" Shinra chimed, offering an impossible large and goofy grin before grabbing Celty's hands and walking away. Celty herself only waved before she turned her back, not offering a single word on her PDA. Only, Izaya hadn't expected them to leave so soon, days earlier than Shinra had told him the night before. "How come you're leaving  so  early?" He yelled to the retreating backs which only seemed to increase the speed of their escape. When they had finally left and disappeared from his line of sight, Izaya turned to look at Shizuo, whose eyes were still plastered in Shinra's exiting direction, probably reluctant to meet his gaze. 

"Well well, Shizuo, don't be a stranger," he said, and Shizuo didn't even need to turn around, he could hear the smirk in the flea's words, already begging for a fist to the face. And Shizuo had so hoped to keep his temper in check. How stupid of him, almost naïve if he didn't already have so much knowledge and experience concerning Izaya. He closed his eyes and slowly exhaled, something Tom had told him to do, before lifting the two duffel bags at his sides and moving into the open apartment. Izaya had moved from the doorway, although he hadn't heard the footsteps, and was seated at his desk, temporarily ignoring Shizuo's presence to continue with the work he'd been doing prior to the interruption.

And so he slammed the door close behind him and dumped his bags off to the side, taking a moment to look around. As much as he hated the flea, the apartment he lived in was far superior to his own. Straight ahead was Izaya's desk complete with a mess of paperwork and accompanied with a similar one he assumed was for his assistant. Most of the wall left to Izaya was covered with a bookcase. As he walked further into the apartment, he could see that to his left was a living room area with long, black sofas and a coffee table, an open kitchen further right and stairs leading to what he could guess was the bedrooms and bathrooms.

"Yours is the last room down the corridor upstairs." Izaya offhandedly says to him, not even bothering to look up from the screen or keyboard.

Shizuo huffs and heads for the stairs, making his way past the doors and to the last one which he opens and steps inside. There's a bed and a wardrobe and enough floor space that Shizuo is satisfied with. He throws his bags to the side, deciding against unpacking them because that would make their arrangement seem to permanent. He doesn't want to be stuck here for more than a few weeks, the notion of panicking in the presence of his enemy again sends a violent shiver down his spine and he shakes his head to dispel the thought.

He won't panic anymore. He'll show Izaya and Celty and Shinra that he's independent and can deal with himself, can show them he's not weak or incompetent. That he's not afraid.


	4. Sadness And Traffic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just sitting in the near-silence of sadness and traffic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick thank you for those who've left Kudos and Comments and just read this, thank you! I have a few other fics that need updating, but the fact that you guys like this most makes me just stop and work on this, I'm going to start the next chapter as soon as I post this, and if it's not done before Sunday, Merry Christmas (or just Merry December) to all of you guys ヽ(ﾟヮﾟ*)/

 

_**Saturday 8th February** _

_**12:34** _

__

"There, your stupid food is ready." Namie shouts from the kitchen. "Lucky I forgot to bring any poison today." She adds under her breath as she stirs the pot of soup one last time and replaces the lid. She pads around the kitchen, doing whatever it is she feels the need to be doing as she waits for her boss to speak up.

Izaya just lets out a quiet huff from where he was sat at his desk, ignoring her in favour of idly browsing through the Dollars homepage in search of anything to quench his curiosity and boredom. He was currently half-way through a big job one of his client's had requested, though at the moment he could do nothing but wait for his trusted acquaintance who goes by the name 'Virus' to hack into the suspects email and send him what he finds. It seemed to be taking longer than he'd anticipated, and yet he couldn't take up any other offers as he progressed with this job since it would be largely time-consuming once they were back on track.

He closed his eyes and leaned back in his chair before turning to stare out of his window. A lazy smile spread across his lips as he watched Shinjuku's skyline and the people who commuted below it, imagining himself outrunning Shizuo on one of infamous chases through Tokyo. It got him to start thinking about the beast and the fun he'd soon have provoking him.

Why wait? He thinks to himself, getting up and creeping up the stairs. He hadn't heard from Shizuo since he'd went to his new bedroom two hours ago and he entertained the idea that he'd somehow escaped by scaling the side of the building and had already begun rampaging through the streets. What a wonderful idea it was, thinking that Shizuo would go through the trouble of using that monstrous strength to scale a wall instead of just marching down the stairs and out of the door in the hopes of avoiding confrontation.

Izaya only then remembers that Shizuo can't actually use his strength unless he's told to by somebody of power, like Tom as that's his boss. Maybe even me, since he's living in my house under my rules.

It makes a smirk twist his lips and a muted chuckle spill past that only increases when he opens the door to see a sleeping body spread across the double bed.

He slips into the room leaving the door wide open as he skulks up towards the bed, pausing to look down at the unconscious blonde. His hair is fanned out across the pillow and ono his face, his lips parted slightly to release light exhales of breath. The lack of a frown or glare makes him look younger, more at peace with the world and his surroundings and Izaya doesn't appreciate it. He's a beast so he's supposed to look like one, whether he's asleep or wide awake.

He thinks of all the ways he could possibly wake Shizuo: a bucket of water, screaming at the top of his lungs, kicking him out of the bed, the possibilities are endless. But he suddenly has the sadistic urge to make Shizuo feel helpless and at his mercy.

He also wants to have fun and enjoy watching his reactions, which is why he chooses to pick up a pillow that has been discarded on the floor and quietly straddle him. He then firmly places the pillow onto Shizuo's face and start to shake it and the bed as he moves around.

Shizuo quickly jerks awake to the feeling of being smothered, quickly realising it as reality. His hands instinctively reach up to grab the pillow and try to pull it away, a muffled cry making it's way past his lips. When he realises the person hasn't so much as budged, he tries to thrash his own body in an attempt dislodge the one above, only to feel the legs straddling him and trapping him in place.

His eyes are watering from panic and his throat constricting. In the little space he has to breathe, breaths spills from him in rushed, punctuated gasps. He moves his hands to the person's wrist, pulling at them in vain. His heart is beating faster and faster and faster in his chest, painfully pounding against his ribs as if it were about to rip itself from his body at any moment in its haste to get oxygen.

Oxygen, something he isn't getting enough of, his lungs are screaming and begging and pleading and it's feeling like one of those panic attacks he swore he wouldn't have.

It's as he's about to start screaming does the grip loosen and the legs move until the pillow's on the floor and so is his attacker, laughing manically as Shizuo sits up and grips his hair.

His eyes are closed and there are tears spilling past, his breaths coming out rushed and panicked. His limbs feel heavy with the sensation of pins and needles and as he pulls at his blonde strands, longing for the light-headed feeling that makes him dizzy to dissipate. He thinks he hears someone call "Come down when you're ready to eat." and light footsteps, but there's blood rushing to his head and his ears are pounding so he can't be sure.

He opens his eyes to look around, calm himself down, ground himself, assure himself. He looks up just in time to see Izaya's back retreating from the doorframe and thinks It's okay, it was just the flea messing with you. The grip on his hair is tightening, his legs curling up so that his knees are level with his chest as he forces himself to breathe, because it was only a stupid joke.

He stays like this for what could easily have been 20 minutes before he can find the strength to stand up, and even then his limbs feel unnaturally light and buzz with the after-feeling of pins and needles. He walks from the room slowly, his legs shaking with the effort of keeping him balanced and even then, he's clutching the walls for support. He walks down the stairs and stops, searching for Izaya before moving towards the kitchen table and sitting opposite him in front of a steaming bowl of soup.

"Make it yourself next time!" He hears a woman shout punctuated by the slam of a door. He whirls around to stare at the offending door before turning back to Izaya in confusion.

"My secretary." He offers, eyebrows raised and a smirk adorning his face.

But Shizuo doesn't even blink at that, just turns to his food and starts to eat. It's warm and soothing and so he tries to block out the unwanted presence before him and his restless heart and focus on enjoying the food. There's nothing special about it, but it's enough for him to savour and probably better than what he thinks he'd be able to do.

Izaya frowns at that. He can see that the blonde is paler than he was earlier, and his hands are trembling as he starts to eat. There's a small feeling gnawing away at the back of his mind, something he can't quite put his finger on. It's mostly likely guilt, but in his mind he has nothing to feel guilty for, he only waked and fed the beast. And yes, maybe almost suffocating him wasn't the best way to go about it but at least he's awake and eating.

"Beasts like you don't even deserve to eat, you should be crying out with how grateful you are." Izaya mutters, looking up to challenge Shizuo's own glare.

"Maybe if you weren't such a disgusting piece of shit I would say 'thanks'." Shizuo growls back, his grip on his chopsticks strengthening. He's still having to make an effort to breathe steadily, still shaken from almost suffocating. He's not sure why Izaya would go that far to distress him, especially when he hadn't so much as swore at him since he'd arrived but the thoughts are quickly pushed away. He lets out an irritated huff and turns back to his food, deciding to ignore the flea and the way he's started to laugh at him.

When he's finished laughing at the brute, he just smirks and starts to eat his own food. When he's done, he leans back and stretches and stand and walks into the kitchen. Shizuo can hear the clatter of the bowl landing on the counter and decides to wait until the pest has left the kitchen before following to put away his own dishes. He watches as Izaya walks over to his desk and begins typing before he stands and makes his way to the sink.

"Wash up the dishes, Shizu-chan!" Izaya shouts to the blonde, smirking as he turns to looks at him with a frown.

"It's not my house." He says in growing frustration. "So why don't you stop ruining people's lives for a couple of minutes and do it yourself." He turns away and makes back towards the stairs to hideout in his room but stop when he hears Izaya shout back in reply.

"Yeah, it is my house, isn't it? It's my house so you live under my rules, and if you think you'll get away without doing some housework, you're sorely mistaken." Izaya isn't smirking anymore, it's twisted into an unapprovingly frown. "So go and make your worthless self helpful and wash the damn dishes."

Nobody speaks for a while after that, but Shizuo can feel a familiar sting in his eyes and his throat constricting from the heavy silence after confrontation. Izaya is back to typing and he walks towards the kitchen with his head lowered, his heavy footsteps a symphony with the click-click-click from Izaya's computer and the sporadic, muted buzz of traffic from outside. The sounds are amplified in his mind and something he uses as a distraction as he washes the bowls and cups in warm soapy water.

Izaya only scowls as he watches the blonde sulk, think with a heavy feeling of exasperation, of how the next few weeks would drag on and on. Contrary to what most may think, Izaya truly did hate Shizuo; much more than Shizuo would ever find in himself to hate Izaya. The reason being, Izaya hated Shizuo like a God would hate a Devil, whereas Shizuo hated Izaya like someone would hate an annoying co-worker.

Shizuo walks past Izaya and to the living room, sitting on the biggest sofa and leaning his head back. He's bored and has nothing to do. If he were at home, he's maybe go for a cigarette but he's all out and doubts he's be allowed to go to the shops to buys some without a lot of unnecessary hassle, so he reaches for where the remote is laying on a pillow and begins to idly flick through the channels in the hopes of finding something interesting.

Unlike the few channels he has on his TV at home, Izaya has more than Shizuo ever thought you could have and actually finds something that catches his eyes, _'_ _Vampire Ninja Carmilla Saizou'_ , the first movie his brother was in. His lips flicker upwards into a small smile as he sees Kasuka appear on screen, wielding some heavy looking sword and adorned in fake cuts and bruises, though his happiness is short-lived as Izaya decides to pad over and sit on the sofa next to the one he's in.

He'd been watching as Shizuo had started watching the movie and smiling and had not liked it one bit. A dreadfully unsatisfying feeling had started to pulse through his veins and he'd wanted nothing more to wipe he smile off of the stupid brute's face, which is why he's now sitting at one of the chairs surrounding the coffee table with the remote he'd snatched from Shizuo in one hand and his laptop in another. He matches Shizuo's glare with one of his smirks and pressed the red button on the remote, quickly switching the TV and Shizuo's only distraction off.

"What the fuck is your problem?" Shizuo yells at the brunette, his hands curled into fist.

"It's my TV, I can do whatever the hell I want." Izaya offers back, suddenly indifferent eyes looking down at his laptop screen as he resumes typing. "And it's not your place to question what I do, this is--"

"Your home! I get it! I remembered, it's not like I can forget!" Because Izaya's all-too-kindly reminded him of that little fact since he first stepped foot into the apartment. "But you don't have to such a fucking shit about everything." He adds, snarling as he looks down at the frowning informant. "But what did I expect?" He mutters, causing Izaya to look up.

"What did I expect from someone like you? You're nothing but an immature, frustrating little brat!" He's hysterical as he shouts, pure rage and frustration pouring out into his words that ring in the short-lived normalcy. "You don't deserve even half of the things that you have."

"And you deserve everything you get." Izaya says, his eyes narrowed and spiteful that contradict the light and amused tone he speaks with. "You deserve the anxiety and attacks and everything bad that has and will happen to you."

"You deserve everything bad, because you're a monster, Shizu-chan."

_"You're a monster."_ He repeats, and then he starts to laugh at the way Shizuo's furious expression drops.

He can't really reply to that. He know he's a monster and he knows he deserves this and so he can't reply. Just feels that all-too-familiar sting behind his eyes and the tears that are now welling. It's pathetic, he thinks, the way he has so many tears that are just waiting to be spilt, like he was a glass filled with water that sloshed around whenever he moved or spoke, inevitable droplets spilling out each time. But he doesn't let Izaya see that bit, he marches up the stairs and into his room with the slam of a door and sits on the edge of his bed and just allows the tears roll down his face and drip from his chin.

He's not crying, he thinks. He's just letting water drain from his eyes. He's not crying because he's making no noise, he thinks. Just sitting in the near-silence of sadness and traffic.

His hands are trembling but that's just because he's cold, he thinks. That must explain why his whole body is also shaking, that's the only reason he can think of.

His throat is hurting and stinging from the lump that he feels is growing there and thinks he must be getting a sore throat or something.

Regardless of what he thinks, he gasps out loud, and then there's a strangled groan that escapes too. He just interlocks his fingers and rests them on his lap and close his eyes and breathes.

In and out and in an out until he feels that the tears tracking down his face have dried and his shaking is down to a minimum. After that, he just opens those dull, honey eyes and stares ahead at the plain white door.

He wishes it would open, wishes someone --maybe Kasuka or Celty-- would walk through and hold him and tell him it was okay and that he was just being silly and _why don't we go and get some Russian Sushi?_

He wishes with all he has because there's nothing he can think of wanting more than that. But the door remains closed and the room remains silent and he feels as if he was in an unholy purgatory, with no hope of release without breaking through his sudden confines of numbness that smother him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Till next chapter (‘ ∇‘ )ノ


	5. I Feel Numb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Slowly, he reaches his hand out until it's almost fully extended and circling over Shizuo and about to rub comforting patterns into his back, but he falters and draws his hand back as though he'd been burned, replacing it by his side.

**_Saturday 8th February_ **

**_13:08_ **

 

_He wishes with all he has because there's nothing he can think of wanting more than that. But the door remains closed and the room remains silent and he feels as if he was in an unholy purgatory, with no hope of release without breaking through his sudden confines of numbness that smother him._

 

It's as he's sitting there and struggling with this feeling of complete emptiness that he hears the familiar melody of his phone ringing. He looks around for a moment, slightly startled by the abrupt noise, before spotting it on the bedside table and reaching out to answer it.

"Hello?" He mumbled into the receiver.

"Shizuo?"

It takes no more than a moment for him to recognise the voice as Shinra's own. "Yeah?"

"Just calling to see how you are." Shinra says. Even through the phone, his voice sounds lighter and happier than usual, accompanied by the thrum of an engine.

"Are you on your way to the airport?" Shizuo asks, shifting into a more comfortable position with his back supported by the headboard.

"Yup! We decided to just call a cab instead of making Celty drive, it is a holiday after all."

Shizuo doesn't say anything to that, just vaguely smiles at the image of a nervous Celty sitting beside an excited Shinra.

"I just called to make sure everything was okay." He continues. "You're still at Izaya's, right? Even if you wanted to go back to your apartment, Izaya has your keys and we've made sure your landlord won't let you in if you're alone." And then he's laughing lightly. It's not spiteful or mocking, just mirthful and amused, almost invigorating after the day he's had so far.

"I'm still here, unfortunately..." He mumbles

"Yeah, how's that going?"

He sighs down the line, long and exhausted. "Shit. It's going shit."

"Why?" Shinra asks in a concerned voice that has Shizuo imagining the way he's probably frowning right now.

He reaches one hand up to start twisting a blonde lock around his fingers, tugging lightly. "He's just being more of a shit than he usually is…" He trails of, leaning his head back to stare at the blank ceiling.

"Why? What has he done?"

"He woke me up by smothering me with a fucking pillow," He says, a depressing kind of aggression beginning to build up, as if he were trying to defend himself against something he deserved. "I felt like I was having a panic attack,"

There's silence from Shinra's end of the line, as if he were waiting for further explanation. "And he made me wash up the plates," He feels petty and childish after saying that, but he goes on regardless because having the opportunity to rant to a friend about Izaya is too good to pass up. "And yeah, that's no reason to complain, but he's been reminding me that's it's his goddamn house all day long, as if I actually wanted to be here."

Great, his throat is starting to sting along with his eyes again. "He even switched off the fucking TV while I was watching it and reasoned that it was because it was his house."

His surroundings are beginning to blur again and he can feel the sour sadness boil in his throat and the way it's making his entire body scream and burn. "I know it's his fucking house, he doesn't have to remind me! I don’t even want to be here! Why does he think I _want_ to be here?" He thinks he's shouting, but he can only really here his heart hammering against his ribcage again. "I don't want to be here!"

He lets a single broken sob escape, and then there's a hand clamped across his mouth and muffling all of the sounds as he tries to silence himself. He doesn't want to, but he curls up on his side, and he can feel hot tears streaming down his face and forming an uncomfortable wet patch on his pillow and there's an arm curled tightly around his stomach or heart, but he's not really sure because both hurt.

"I don't want to be here." He continues to mumble behind the constraints of his palm, over and over until there's a resounding beep from the phone that's long since clattered to the floor.

_"I don't want to be here…"_

 

***

 

Izaya's typing away on his laptop as per usual when his phone begins to ring.

He huffs quietly as he reaches out on his cluttered desk to pick up the third phone laying there.

"He--"

"Seriously, Izaya? Seriously?" It's Shinra and he sounds as frustrated as he was when he accused Izaya of having possession of Celty's head, maybe even more so.

"What is it, Shinra?" he asks, faking a pleasant tone as he leans back into the comfort of his chair, idly resting an arm across his stomach.

"Why have you been so cruel to Shizuo?" And then there's a pause long enough for Izaya to huff before Shinra's speaking again. "Suffocating him, really? And the whole TV thing was just plain spiteful, Izaya. I never thought you'd stoop so low for a cheap way to upset him."

"Upset him?" He mirthlessly laughs out. "Upset _him_? He's a monster! How the hell can I _upset_ him?"

"Izaya, please don't make me come back." He sounds desperate and pleading and so Izaya doesn't really have a choice.

"Fine," He says frowning. "What do you want?"

"Apologise to him, I'll call him back later to make sure you did." Shinra says and ends the call without a second thought.

Izaya puts his phone onto the table and rubs at his forehead. The monster had been there for a couple of hours and he was already getting a headache.

And although he'd realised earlier that his actions had _maybe_ been a tad much, there's a part of him that was too stubborn to do anything about it.

But he gets up and trudges up the stairs nonetheless, as if he were marching to his death. He knocks on the door once then twice and then walks in to be faced with Shizuo sprawled out on his stomach across the bed.

"Oi, Shizu-chan." He says, walking closer until he's standing over the motionless figure.

However, he doesn't get a response. Just this overwhelming silence and a suffocating feeling of sorrow.

"Shizu-chan," He repeats, shuffling and then sitting on the edge of the bed, his red eyes fixated on the blonde.

He understands he needs to say something to clear the air, but it's as if there was some part of his brain blocking the words from travelling to his mouth.

After some time to process what he's trying to say, Izaya bites back his pride, has to swallow it before he throws it back up with some spiteful comment. "I'm sorry." He mutters, turning away from the mop of blonde hair.

There's silence after that, and Izaya vaguely thinks whether or not Shizuo would have the guts to not accept the half-hearted apology, but then comes a muffled "S'okay."

Izaya turns back from where he's perched on the bed to look at Shizuo. He still hasn't moved, only showing his back and hair to Izaya and it makes him slightly uneasy. The fact that the beast who had once rampaged streets and chased him across districts is silently laying in his apartment and not bothering to take the opportunity to mock his apology.

He knows this whole situation is his fault, nothing that could be blamed on the beast. It's his fault for going too far and being petty and yet he can't find it in himself to sincerely apologise.

Slowly, he reaches his hand out until it's almost fully extended and circling over Shizuo and about to rub comforting patterns into his back, but he falters and draws his hand back as though he'd been burned, replacing it by his side. Though, as he stands to leave, he can't ignore the feeling gnawing at him, somehow disapproving and reprimanding him in what he's failed to do.

His eyes continue to gaze at the unmoving figure slumped on the bed, still and calm like water in a glass waiting to ripple. His lips have twisted into a small frown as he continues to watch, until his legs begin to move and he leaves the room, quietly closing the door behind himself.

He pads down the stairs and skulks over to his desk, typing away information in an attempt to distract him from the heavy feeling growing in his stomach. It's unpleasant, to say the least, weighing both his body and mind down. "Stupid beast.." He mutters with a sigh, and leans forward to resume his work

 

* * *

Sunday 9th February

09:05

 

The next day he wakes up and makes his way to the kitchen to start breakfast. He slinks around the counters and looks into the fridge, freezer and most of the cupboards until he sighs in resignation.

"Guess I'll have to go shopping..." He mutters under his breath, turning around and making for the coat rack only to jump back slightly in surprise. Because it's only then that he's notices Shizuo lying on his back in one of the sofas, blankly staring up at the ceiling.

"What are you doing, Shizu-chan? Trying to give me a heart attack or something?" He asks, curious eyes pinned on the motionless body.

"Nothing." Shizuo's voice sounds void of any emotions, just hollow and bare.

Izaya sighs and grabs his coat and shoes. He walks out of the door and locks it with his keys before walking away.

"Whatever you say, Shizu-chan."

 

***

 

When Izaya returns with two handfuls of shopping bags, Shizuo is still sprawled across the sofa. Izaya struggles into the apartment and dumps the bags onto the kitchen floor, and huffs, glaring across at the unmoving blonde laying on his back.

He takes 10 minutes to unpack the groceries before he's striding over to Shizuo. He pauses for a moment, sighs, and throws a chocolate pudding cup at him, that lands on his stomach.

"Enjoy." He mutters, rolling his eyes as he goes back to the kitchen to prepare breakfast.

Shizuo sits up and stares at the desert that's rolled into his lap, his expression one of confusion with his eyebrows raised and mouth slightly agape. His eyes are still frowning, but his lips melt into a soft, muted smile.

 

***

 

He'd just had dinner and as he'd retreated to the sofas with his laptop, Shizuo had followed, doing nothing but lie on his stomach on the sofa. And just as Izaya had suspected he'd fallen asleep Shizuo had spoken.

"Can we watch a movie?"

Izaya looks up from where he's currently typing away on his laptop. The sudden question had surprised him, though when it had registered what Shizuo had meant, he almost felt a little bad for making the brute feel the need to ask to watch something.

"Uhh…" He runs a hand through his hair and looks around, eyes going from the blank TV screen to Shizuo's enquiring gaze.

"Yeah, sure I guess." He doesn't really want to risk further upsetting the blonde and getting yelled at and threatened across the phone from an angry Shinra and so chucks the remote across the space.

Shizuo firmly catches it, and within minutes he's browsing through the channels and looking for a movie interesting enough to watch.

"Thanks…" He mumbles, eyes firmly fixed on the TV.

Izaya rolls his eyes and gets back to work. After a couple minutes, he hears some kind of gargled scream coming from the TV, and looks up just in time to see a girl being attacked by a zombie.

He raises an eyebrow, inquisitively looking towards Shizuo, now curled up in the corner of the sofa. Honey eyes look up to match his gaze. "Oh, you want to watch this one?"

Izaya doesn't particularly care, so he just nods and looks back at the screen of the laptop.

By doing that, he misses Shizuo's suddenly uncomfortable look, his eyebrows furrow together and he half frowns, fiddling with the remote, before deciding to set it down on the side.

The screams from the TV only seem to get louder and more distracting, so Izaya finally sighs and shuts his laptop, turning his attention fully towards the screen and the blonde. He's gripping a pillow like his life depends on it, and closing his eyes every time the camera zooms into one of the walking, rotting humans.

Izaya can feel his lips twitch into a smirk. "Scared, Shizu-chan?" He asks slyly, leaning forward with his head in his hands.

Shizu doesn't respond, just gives a half-hearted glare before closing his eyes when he hears another cut-off scream.

"Shizu-chan, the monster that ripped streetlights from concrete and bent them like a toothpick is scared of a couple of fake zombies?" He laughs out, his eyes dangerously glinting. "How pathetic!"

"I'm not scared, you damn louse!" Shizuo shouts back indignantly. His hands clutching the pillow like a lifeline, hands curled into fists and shaking slightly, perhaps from both fear and anger.

Thoughts of waking Shizuo dressed as a zombie flood his mind and he can't help but laugh at the way he imagines seeing fear in those golden eyes. But his reprimand from Shinra is quickly remembered and he frowns in distaste.

"Whatever," He mutters, leaning back and staring at the screen in indifference.

He continues to watch for what must have been an hour at the clichéd movie until his eyelids drifted shut and he fell into unconsciousness.

Shizuo doesn't notice until the ending credits begin to roll and he's left in the darkness of the room with no provoking comment from the Izaya.

"Flea?" He calls out.

There's no response, and so he stands and stumbles to find the light switch. When he flicks them on, he sees that the louse is laying on the sofa and snoring peacefully.

He sighs and walks over, staring down at the sleeping body for a moment.

When Izaya's asleep, he looks _almost_ harmless without the presence of his glowing red eyes, blade or smirk. He looks almost at peace with the world. But he quickly brushes the thought off and reaches down to lift him up and take him to his room. And it almost works.

At first, he manages to lift Izaya and stand up until his muscles feel the deadweight and stop working and suddenly Izaya's sprawled out on the floor.

"What the hell?" He shouts, his eyes snapping open. He looks up to see a concerned Shizuo peering down at him and lets out an irritated groan.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm sorry, do I look okay?" He snaps back, rubbing the back of his head and wincing. "What the hell were you thinking?? Why did you fucking pick me up?"

"Uhh…" Shizuo looks nervous as he starts to fiddle with the hem of his shirt. "I-I don't know, I was just going to take you to your room--"

"Why didn’t you just fucking wake me up? Is this to get me back for yesterday?

"No! I thought--"

"Thought what?"

"I thought I could still use my strength… I forgot…"

"You forgot..?" Izaya closes his eyes and groans again. "Stupid brute." He stands up and glares at Shizuo. "If you ever do something like that again, I'll hold you down and cut off your fingers one by one." He says in this sweetly intimidating voice, before pushing past and walking up the stairs, leaving an uneasy Shizuo in his wake.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos and comments and for reading this, I hope you're having a happy holiday, because I know I am, honestly, I've eaten so much food it's ridiculous (●´ω｀●)


	6. Sorry Not Sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "They're just fucking pancakes!" Shizuo cries out indignantly, his arms thrown upwards in growing frustration.

 

 

 

_**Monday 10th February** _

__

The next morning, Izaya wakes up in a mad mood. His back is aching from where he was dropped, faint throbs of pain radiating from the base of his spine.

He groans softly as he walks down the stairs and heads towards the kitchen. Just like yesterday, Shizuo is up before him, this time standing over a frying pan filled with some kind of batter.

"Pancakes." Shizuo offers, smiling lightly as if to break some of the tension that's already started to settle over them. He's presently in nothing but his boxers and a large plain white shirt.

Izaya just frowns and walks to the fridge, grabbing a bottle of water and retreating to his desk. As he starts up the computer, he hears Shizuo start to speak again.

"Working already?" His voice is strangely hopeful, as though he was trying to make some pleasant conversation.

"Some of us have real jobs, Shizu-chan. That's what it's like in the real world." Izaya starts in a frustratingly patronising voice, looking down on the blonde as if he was nothing but a curious child, young and oblivious to how the world worked. "Some of us have a real way to make a living, walking around and beating people up for money is surprising insufficient. Who would've guessed?"

Shizuo doesn't reply to him, and for a while all he can hear is the early morning traffic and the hiss of food sizzling in the frying pan. The sweet aroma of pancakes with the lingering scent of vanilla overwhelm his senses, the sheer power of the sickly sweetness making his stomach lurch. Just the idea of eating such childish food made him wrinkle his nose. What did I expect? Of course the protozoan wouldn't be able to manage more than that of a child.

The sound of his stomach growling loudly snaps him away from his thoughts. He stands up once again and stalks towards the kitchen in search of ingredients.

"I made pancakes." Shizuo says, gesturing toward a plate stacked with half a dozen layers of the pastry.

"Yeah, I can see that, Shizu-chan." He huffs, opening a cupboard and pulling out a bag of white rice.

Shizuo's small smile slips from his lips. "Aren't you going to have some?"

Izaya mirthlessly laughs out, making a show of being humoured by the mere suggestion of eating something Shizuo's made. "That's disgusting." He states, concentrating on pouring the right amount of rice for himself into the cooker. "Don't you know? If a human eats monster food, they die."

Shizuo kisses his teeth and his grip on the frying pan tightens as he goes to pour the last pancake onto the top of the pile. "You don't have to be such a fucking jerk, do you? I thought you'd turn that shit down after you apologised last night." He says, his voice raising in anger. "But I guess not."

"Don't throw a hissy-fit because I won't eat that shit you call food."

"They're just fucking pancakes!" Shizuo cries out indignantly, his arms thrown upwards in growing frustration. He doesn't quite understand why Izaya feels the constant need to put him down everyday, but it gets to him, angers and upsets him until he's pushed into a paroxysm of something painfully unwelcome that grips his heart and squeezes his lungs.

He's about to go on some verbal rampage, maybe even a physical one when he hears Izaya spit out "I don't mean it."

He's so surprised, his mouth freezes just before words can find a way out.

"Well, I do," Izaya starts. "But I don't really."

Shizuo has his eyebrows raised high above comically large eyes, thinks he must look like the idiot Izaya constantly claims he is, but can't bring himself to care.

"But what do you expect? You dropped me on the floor, stupid protozoan." Izaya says, but it's not in usual scornful voice, more as if he was chastising a kid. He rolls his eyes at the motionless blonde and plucks a plate from the dishrack, picking up two pancakes and making his way to the table.

Shizuo snaps out of his stunned reverie and follows after the raven with his own pancakes and some maple syrup he'd found, a small renewed smile on his lips.

"Sorry, why don't you just take some painkillers?" He says through a mouthful of food.

Izaya just rolls his eyes and gets back to eating his own pancakes that hadn't been drowned in sweetness. "Whatever."

 

***

 

After eating, they find themselves on the sofa, Izaya chuckling as he browses through the Dollars website and Shizuo sprawled on the sofa with the remote in his hand. He looks up every now and then to catch the way Izaya's eyes soften and his lips curl into a smile before spreading to let out a amicable laugh.

It's mesmerising, the way such a ruthless expression can melt into one of mirth, a momentary reaction to whatever humorous thing he had read. He turns his head back to the TV just in time to avoid eye contact as Izaya turns to look at the blonde.

He pretends not to notice the way he can tell Shizuo keeps staring at him, if not to avoid unnecessary confrontation, then because he just can't bring himself to think much of it. Instead, his smile falters and his eyebrows raise in silent questioning before he shakes his head and turns back to his phone.

 

***

 

Namie turns up a few hours later as twilight fades into night. She glares at Izaya and then Shizuo, makes a couple of snide comments about the their arrangement, laughing to herself before working and being forced to make them dinner. She leaves with the slam of the door at around 9 o'clock after the two of them had comfortably settled on the sofa's, maybe spitting out a comment about ingrates and the fall of society, but by this point Shizuo had learnt to block out most of what she says after the hours he'd spent filtering out what might have been necessary information, and a mixture of sarcasm and insults.

"You're assistant is nice." He says after a while of watching the movie on the TV screen.

Izaya snickers from his seat, looking towards the blonde with a smirk. "Yeah, she's especially happy to see another person here, especially you of all people."

"Yeah, I could tell."

It's another night where Izaya has stopped his work for the time being to watch the movie. This one had caught both his and Shizuo's attention, an anime movie this time.

It was supposedly about a girl and boy switching bodies while they slept, which had caught Shizuo's attention until the point where it was explained (albeit not very well) that she had been dead for three years. That's the point in which he'd started to become confused and loose his understanding of the concept, especially as the boy had began rambling on about time and braided cords.

He'd asked Izaya about it a few times, but each time he'd answered, he'd become more annoyed until he'd snapped and told him that he shouldn't strain his protozoan brain to try to understand, at which point he'd sunk into deeper prostration and allowed the flea to become further enveloped in the plot.

He started to think about what he could comprehend of the movie, the body switching, even if he couldn’t understand the reason why. He thinks it's interesting, the notion of abruptly living someone else's life and giving theirs up to them, if even for a day, thinks of the way he'd feel and what he'd experience for so long that his eyelids are becoming heavy. He closes them and happily surrenders to the waves of drowsiness that coax him into unconsciousness.

The two main characters somehow see each other through the window of passing trains and make direct eye contact, at which point Izaya promptly switched the TV off. It's clichéd and he already knows that they would get out, find each other and reconcile in one way or another.

He then looks towards Shizuo who is quietly snoring on the other sofa. His pink lips are parted and his hand twitches slightly.

He stands and makes his way towards his bedroom, not bothering to wake the slumbering beast. He brushes his teeth and changed into pyjamas and then within minutes he's dead to the world.

 

 

* * *

 

_**Tuesday 11th February** _

 

The next morning, Shizuo wakes up with a fire of pain licking up his spine and across the expansion of his shoulders, similar to the one Izaya experienced the morning before.

He groans and rubs his eyes, and when Izaya finally wakes, demands to be told why he got left to sleep on the sofa.

"Well, I couldn't carry you to bed, what else was I supposed to do? Wake you up?" He says, his voice edged with sarcasm, eyes growing wide and eyebrows shooting up in mocking astonishment at the notion. "How preposterous, what an absurd idea!"

"Fuck you, flea"

Izaya laughs and spins around and walks over to his desk with a skip in his step. "Take some painkillers!" He calls out, his laugh growing louder when he hears Shizuo groan in annoyance.

 

* * *

 

 

_**Saturday 15th February** _

__

 

"Are you sure you have anxiety?" Izaya asks, breaking the comfortable silence that had settled over them?

Shizuo looks up from his bowl of cereal and over to Izaya who was sitting at his desk. "What do you mean?" He says, confused at the sudden question.

"Well, you've been here for a week and nothing's happened."

Which was mainly trues. For the past couple of days they'd done nothing but repeat the same routine with a few minor fights. Shizuo hadn't had a single panic attack since the first day he'd got there.

"All you do is eat, watch TV and sleep."

"What do you want me to do?" Shizuo snaps back, dropping his spoon onto the table.

"I don't know," Izaya says. He's smirking and moving towards the kitchen table where the blonde is sat. He perches on the edge and leans forward, his fingers brushing lightly against Shizuo's jaw as he tilts it upward to look directly into the honey eyes. "Amuse me." He whispers. "I want to find out what makes you angry."

He laughs out until he realises that there's now a bowl of cereal on his shoulder, milk and soggy fruit loops trailing down his black top.

"You."

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yello my lovely people who actually read this (づ｡◕‿‿◕｡)づ  
> Here you go, another chappie, I'm really addicted to this haha, I almost posted this last night but then I was like "Damn girl, have some frickin' self-restraint!"  
> Really excited for the next chappie though, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised for once!  
> Also, thank you for the kudos and comments and just reading this, it means a lot for such a loser like me ಥ‿ಥ  
> (p.s. I couldn't stop laughing when I imagined Shizuo yelling "They're just fucking pancakes!" and kudos to you if you know what movie I was referencing (^▽^))


	7. Wash Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's like we're on a date, the only difference being that this won't end with any 'h-stuff'." He starts to laugh then, careful not to choke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoah, it's a big one! I wanted to make this chapter extra-long as a little new year's present for you guys, so please just lay back and enjoy (づ ︶▽︶)づ

Monday 17th February

 

"I'm bored."

Izaya doesn't even blink from where he's typing away in his laptop. "Don't care." He says offhandedly

"I'm bored." Shizuo rolls into his side to face the informant. "I'm bored."

This goes on for another couple of minutes before Izaya snaps the laptop shut and exhales. He's irritable as he looks up to face Shizuo. "You have my undivided attention." He snaps, eyeing the way the blonde stares him down. He's wearing a pair of shorts as per usual, this time paired with a large white long sleeve top. It's the first time Izaya's clearly looked at him today, and his eyes trail from the messy mop of blonde hair down the lithe frame before sweeping down the expansion of pale, smooth legs and wondering back up to honey eyes.

If Shizuo's noticed the elevator eyes, he certainly neglects to say anything about it, instead taking his chance to plea for some kind of stimulation. "I want to go to the park or walk around for a bit." He says.

There's something about the scenery of Ikebukuro both Izaya and Shizuo can appreciate. Both singled out from the cluster of humanity, though both within their rights to join it if only they'd conform with the highly-regarded norms and values the city thrives on. And as united one may feel when included in such amicable unity, there's something delightfully nostalgic about looking at the people sweeping along the streets, the way the animate screams of traffic provoke road-raged maniacs and the way people will obliviously tune out anything irrelevant to their own lives. It’s something the both can enjoy watching.

"Then go." Izaya scoffs, his voice patronising as though he can't comprehend why the blonde didn't leave earlier. "You're free to go if you want, just as long as you come back." He adds, sighing dramatically as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Even if it was, Shizuo wouldn't know any better. He'd simply wait around for each syllable to be clearly pronounced to him until his protozoan brain could fully grasp the meaning, Izaya thinks, smirking and laughing silently.

Shizuo frowns at the scornful curl of the raven's lips, though more focused on the implication of his words. He was free to go on the condition he come back, like a cat allowed to roam the streets so long as they came back to their owner when all was well and done at the end of the day.

He resents it, he truly does, it shows in the way his wrinkles his nose in distaste and his hands curl into fist by his side.

"Okay," He mutters bitterly. "I'll go."

Then there's this pause where neither of them speak or attempt to move so they're left staring at each other to grow more uncomfortable.

"Ne, Shizu-chan. You just said you were going to leave, did you forget again?"

"Err…" He trails off from what he wants to say, feeling as though what he wants to say is being stopped from forming into comprehensible words.

Izaya's pinning him to the spot with an expecting glare, impatiently waiting. "Well?"

"Can you…? Can you come with me?"  He stutters out.

Izaya's face contorts to one of confusion. He sits up further in his chair as he speaks. "Why would I do that?"

He thinks about all the reasons he could come up with, all of the excuses as to why Izaya should even consider going out with him. Really, there must be dozens but right now his mind is blank and he doesn't know a single one. How does he go about explaining the way he feels his heart flutter when a shadow flits across his peripheral view? The way air squeezes out of his lungs and his stomach churns when thinks he hears a distant sound. It's not something he wants to say, and so he says the first lousy thing he can think of.

"I don't want to go alone because I don't have any money to buy stuff."

Izaya sweatdrops. "Money? That's the reason? I'm not your sugar daddy."

A flush of blood goes directly to Shizuo's face and he's sure his cheeks are stained a furious shade of pink as he growls and strides over to Izaya, his fist clenching the cuff of his top as he drags him forward.

"Don't say shit like that!" He's doing his best to glare down at the smirking informant. "Just go out with me!"

A snicker. "My, my, Shizu-chan! That's pretty straightforward and as flattered as I am, I don't date monsters." He bursts out laughing like it's the funniest things he's ever heard, having to lurch forward and grab at his stomach as Shizuo lets go and takes a step back, waves of humour drowning him.

Shizuo feels this little sinking feeling in his chest, but doesn't back down and waits a good couple of minutes for the flea to finally calm down, wiping little tears from his eyes that had welled during his fit of hysteria.

He quickly retreats up the stairs to change from his night clothes and into his usual bartender attire

"Please, Izaya. Just take a walk with me. I'm not going to go on my own."

Izaya rolls his eyes and makes to move towards the coat rack where he retrieves his shoes and starts to put them on.

"Come on then," He shouts, sighing as he hears Shizuo pad towards him and pulls on his own shoes.

Izaya's mumbling something about stupid beats as he shrugs on his coat and locks the door behind them, but it doesn't matter because Shizuo's trailing along and smiling, and for once there's a light, amicable mood about them.

 

****

 

The air in Ikebukuro is crisp at this time of year. Although the worst of Winter had barely past, the sun shone bright and people moved with a new vigour after the drab grey and cold had broken out into sunshine. Even Izaya couldn’t deny the amused smirk that tugged at his lips, not only by seeing the newly animated life, but to see an equally content Shizuo, strolling down the streets he'd become so accustomed to rampaging down.

They walk around for a while, enjoying the cool breeze against their skin and the muted chattering that they're submersed in, tolerating each other's presence, perhaps even enjoying it. The way they had someone who mutually appreciated the beauty of humanity.

It's as Shizuo's offering a smile to a group of teenagers he recognises all eating icecream, does his stomach start to growl in frustration. He frowns and looks down, missing the way the blonde teenager quirks a brow and chuckles lightly to himself, seeing Ikebukuro's strongest walking around with his most despised enemy.

"I'm hungry..." Shizuo mumbles, reaching into his pocket to pull out a box of cigarettes he'd saved in case of emergency.

Izaya sighs in annoyance, swiftly swiping the box from Shizuo's hand and throwing in into the floor. "Disgusting." He spits out stomping on the packet and grinding it into the concrete as Shizuo watches helplessly.

"If you're that hungry, we can go to Russian Sushi." He says, grabbing the blonde's wrist and manoeuvring them through the busy crowd.

 

***

 

It's not awkward at first, they both crave the taste of fine sushi on their tongues and so they let hunger consume the silence. Izaya orders his fatty tuna and so Shizuo awkwardly asks for the same thing, allowing the savoury taste to consume his concentration until there are nothing but almost empty plates before them.

"Hey," Izaya says, his voice slightly muffled behind his last mouthful of sushi. "It's like we're on a date, the only difference being that this won't end with any 'h-stuff'." he starts to laugh then, careful not to choke.

"I'll kill you."

Izaya hardly misses a beat. "No, you won't."

He huffs and mutters what Izaya presumes are a tasteless string of curses as he rests his head in his palm, tactically facing away from the flea.

When they've finished, they resume their aimless wonder through Ikebukuro, only stopping once more at an antique store so that Izaya can inspect items he thinks are fake.

When they leave the shop, the sun has faded into a darkening twilight, stars beginning to prevail through the darkness. Streetlamps flicker on as they begin to walk down the ill lit streets and back to the apartment dim lighting illuminating Shizuo's face. Pale skin, and purple shadows under eyes. He looks exhausted and nervous, as though some anxiety were burning away the little energy he had left. His hands are clenching and relaxing by his sides, pendulum of arms slowing as with his pace, subtly moving to match Izaya's pace instead of huffily walking ahead.

"Hm, Shizu-chan?" Izaya says, raising an eyebrow. "What is it?"

"It's weird, isn't it?" mumbles Shizuo.

"Yeah, it is." He knows what the blonde is talking about. The fact that they'd just leisurely strolled around Ikebukuro, stopping to eat sushi and shop around, now walking home in the dark without so much as an insult.

They let a small silence envelop their words, instead drifting into their thoughts.

Shizuo inches closer to Izaya as they begin to walk, going as far to hold onto the side of Izaya's coat. He can feel a flush of heat creeping up his neck and undoubtedly staining his cheeks, but he just looks down and continues walking, hoping that Izaya chooses not to comment.

He doesn't really know why he's doing it, he can feel a paroxysm of anxiety roiling in his throat, threatening to rip free from him in some way that has apprehension blurring his vision.

Izaya doesn't say anything. He pretends he doesn't notice the way Shizuo's grip on his coat is slowly tightening, or the way he's starting to see him jumping and flinching at shadows.

The blonde starts to make some kind of high-pitched keening sound from the back of his throat. The feeling that something's wrong is growing rapidly through him, like a wildfire from seemingly nowhere. He's scared. Out here in the open and freedom of night without his strength, he's all too aware that he has no way of protecting himself. The cool night air he'd been enjoying only moments ago seems vicious and sting his skin, that must be why he's shaking so much.

Izaya looks over at him. His red eyes are narrowed and his once carefree expression moulding into a frown upon seeing the tear-glazed honey eyes and hearing the sudden sounds of distress. He can feel that there are small tremors wracking through the blonde's body, his grip on the black coat tightening as he draws more of the fabric into trembling hands.

"Shizu-chan, what is it?"

He's not even sure his voice is getting through to him at this point. His eyes have snapped shut, though his lips remain parted to allow little whimpers to pass, his slightly ragged breathing not going amiss.

"Hey, Shizu--"

"Boo!"

Izaya snaps his head around to face the voice, his eyes gleaming in recognition.

"Did I scare you, Orihara-kun?" Kida laughs out.

Izaya turns to face him, instinctively pushing Shizuo slightly behind him as he stands tall. "What do you want, Kida-kun?"

"Oh, nothing. I just saw you and Heiwajima-san earlier. Thought I would make the time to properly say hi."

"Oh, really?"

"Yup!" Kida shoots him this sweet little knowing smile. "How are you, Heiwajima-san?"

Shizuo's not sure what's going on, but at the sound of someone he doesn't know saying his name, he squeezes his eyes closed tighter, all but clinging to Izaya as he whines.

Kida looks genuinely surprised at the display, the Fortissimo gripping the flea as though he were a lifeline.

"Well, as you can see, I'm busy." Izaya snaps, cutting the pleasantries short as his glare snaps into place. "Leave us and don't say a word _Kida-kun_."

Kida shivers. Whoever said Izaya's words and expressions couldn't be as (or even more) intimidating than Shizuo's strength surely hadn't encountered him while he was feeling impatient. He sticks his tongue out at them before turning and leaving.

"Izaya…" Shizuo chokes out. He feels as though there's solid anxiety lodged in his throat, preventing him from breathing or speaking and God did it hurt. There was a burning sensation spreading up his throat, the same he felt when suppressing tears that leaked onto his pillow or quietly panicking in his room.

The raven glances down at him, a sudden protective instinct taking over him. He holds onto Shizuo's arm, slowly guiding him into the closest alley and leaning him against the wall.

Shizuo quickly withers down into a crouching position, awaiting vomit to be splattered onto the concrete as nausea and anxiety grip his stomach. But nothing comes out. He just splutters and dry heaves, a warm hand rubbing circles into his back.

"Come on, Shizu-chan, breathe." Izaya crouches down beside him, one hand rubbing his back while the other uncertainly hovers about the place. "Breathe."

But he can't find it in himself to. Tears spill down his cheeks, dripping onto the ground. He's drawing in lungfuls of air, but they come back out as painful retches.

"It hurts..!" He cries out, eyes snapping closed as he clutches onto his stomach and chest because both feel as though there're knives embedded deep into them.

The pain is excruciating in his stomach and so he desperately dry-heaves, incoherently begging for relief.

It sounds as though he was choking, and the way he was desperately retching and gripping his stomach leaves Izaya without many choices. Without much thought, he lifts Shizuo's damp face, wiping at the tears with a thumb before squeezing his jaw and forcing his mouth open. He backs up slightly, ready to jump out of the way as he pokes two fingers down the blonde's throat, probing around the wet cavern for a few seconds before he hears the tell-tale gurgle and jerk of reflexes.

Within a moment, Shizuo is doubled over on the concrete, vomiting up most of what he'd eaten that day. Most of it spouts onto the concrete, though enough onto his own clothes for Izaya to recoil at the display. The sound of Shizuo spluttering and spewing out puke makes him involuntarily gag, shoving a fist in his mouth and turning away from the pitifully disgusting display to avoid joining Shizuo and vomiting with him.

Shizuo inhales sharply after the first wave of nausea passes, quickly forced onto his hands and knees after another wave has him throwing up again. The bile burns his throat as it crawls up to his mouth, leaving tears to trickle down his face and join the puddle of puke on the floor. After the third wave, he's left dry-heaving and spitting, desperately trying to catch his breath. He's all but choking out pleading sobs, moments away from collapsing onto the vomit before him.

At this point, Izaya swoops in, steadying him with hands on his shoulders, pushing him to lean back against the wall. Honey eyes are glazed over in a mix or terror and pain, leaving Izaya unsure of what to do. At first all he can do is stare at Shizuo's face, a mess of tears, sweat and puke. A sleeve reaches out to wipe at the corners of his mouth, rubbing away the trail of sick and drool, leaving him grimacing at the thought of wearing his coat again.

"Shizu-chan..." He says when the blonde's eyes snaps shut, scrunching up as his ragged breaths spill past. "Shizu-chan, breathe. Come on, big breaths."

He starts taking large inhales and exhales himself, encouraging Shizuo to do the same, lightly slapping his cheeks until he conforms.

"That's it. 1,2,3,4, now breathe out."

Shizuo's trying, he really is. He takes in a shaky lungful of air, rushing it back out along with a whimper and repeating. The hand rubbing his back is comforting and he loses himself in the touch until his breathing has calmed and his shaking's at a minimum. The overbearing dread of anxiety has eased up, digging it's claws out of his flesh and relieving the pain and nausea as Izaya continues to soothe him. At this point, he starts to zone back into reality, feeling the way his head pound and his arms tremble, buzzing with the after-effect of pins and needles.

Izaya watches and holds him until he's sure the blonde has regained his senses. He stands up and helps the blonde stumble onto unsteady feet ready to buckle beneath him. He takes a quick moment to shrug of his coat at drape it across Shizuo, hoping to reduce the shivers that wrack his weakened body. One of his arms then grips across Shizuo's back and holds his shoulder, the other rubbing his stomach as they make their way back to the apartment. He disregards the heavy stench of vomit and the way it clings to Shizuo's body, settling for quietly reassuring him things would be okay.

"It was just an accident." He says breathily, carrying the all but dead-weight through the streets. "We'll get you cleaned up as soon as we get back home, ne?"

 _Home?_ Shizuo smiles at the word. He's exhausted and disconnected from his surroundings, but still finds some weird satisfaction at hearing Izaya say the word so carelessly. He mumbles something under his breath in response, doubting Izaya hears as he's not even sure what he said himself

They reach the apartment within the next 10 minutes, and as soon as the door opens, he's being dragged up the stairs and into the bathroom.

"There." Izaya says as though he's accomplished some great feat. "Just wait while I start running the bath."

Shizuo sags against the wall he's propped up against, breathing deeply and trying to calm his still jittery nerves. He allows himself to concentrate on the sweet smell of tropical fruits and the calming hiss of water filling the bath. At this point, the dizziness and pain has left, replaced with a fatigue that entirely consumes him. He fades in and out of consciousness until Izaya's voice cuts through his haze.

"All done." He says, sounding all kinds of strained. "Now, how about I take off these disgusting clothes, ne?"

Shizuo doesn’t say a word as nimble fingers gently tug at his ruined clothes, quickly pulling off his vest, shirt and trousers, leaving him in nothing but his boxers.

His eyes wonder across the expansion of smooth, pale skin, stopping at his thighs. There's a strong urge to reach out and touch him, he wants to run his fingers down his stomach and legs that are bare before him. He can feel his heart beat a little faster and snaps his gaze away as he quickly stands.

"I'll turn away and get you some clothes. Just take those off and get in." Izaya says, turning his back and walking towards the door. "Just try not to drown." He adds over his shoulder, exiting the room, though leaving the door slightly ajar as a precaution.

Shizuo takes his time until he stumbles into the bathtub, allowing the warm water to wash over him and swallow him. He sinks deeper down, and it's as though the water were cleansing him. Washing away the impurities that had clung to him throughout the day and leaving him feeling baptized. The fruity scent is refreshing after smelling puke for the past 20 minutes, the bubbles on his skin feeling like what he imagines a cloud would. It's like back in high school, when he'd lock himself away in the bathroom for hours, soaking in the bath after a fight and praying for the tranquility of the water to absorb whatever emotion had over taken him that day.

The room is eerily silent, just the occasional slosh of water when Shizuo adjusts his position. It has a strange way of lulling him into unconsciousness, like a siren tricking him with comfort and lulling him into danger. Kasuka did always have to find a way to open the door and drag him out before he drowned. The memory makes him almost relieved to see Izaya walk back in with a set of clothes and a towel.

His eyelids feel heavy and so he doesn't protest when he feels briefly Izaya rub a sponge across his chest and back, mumbling a warning before washing his face and washing his hair.

When he's done, he's helped to stand up, a large towel wrapping around his entire body, all pride and shame forgotten with his fatigue.

He can't remember much after that. Just the feeling of another towel in his hair, clothes being roughly pulled onto his limbs and then a duvet being brought up to his chin.

He's not even sure if Izaya is still in the room the moment before unconsciousness claims him, yet he still manages to mumble "Thank you." He's lulled to sleep, unknowing of the way Izaya smiles softly and makes his way down the stairs and to his desk, ready to make a phone call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Really excited for the next chappie though, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised for once!" She said at the end of last chapter. Maybe you were expecting some fluff? Laughs? Nah, I let Shizuo have a panic attack because I got carried away... I am truly sorry about that (ᅌᴗᅌ* )


End file.
